Momentary Bliss

I look at so many of my friends and those I love dearly. We all are wandering this world in absolute confusion and isolation. We are searching for satisfaction. Most of us find it in a momentary bliss; a highly passionate, sex-driven relationship, alcohol, drugs, thrill seeking, etc. We are all just searching for something to take away the pain and isolation we constantly feel.

            That’s exactly where I was at the end of my junior year of college. I was lost, lonely, and confused. I was searching for anything to take away my pain and isolation. I had pushed away my Christian friends in favor of my new life. I had begun to isolate myself from my family.

            I was 21 years old and I thought my mother was an over bearing bitch. I was living a double life with my family. When I was on-campus, I was living my life as another person, a man named Conor. I would drive home to see my family and change clothes in a gas station bathroom about 30 minutes from their house. I put myself into this isolation and I wanted out of it.

            So I began attending an LGBT group on-campus. Through there, I found new friends and people who supported my life. I didn’t realize those people were just as lost and confused as me only receiving momentary satisfaction. I started receiving momentary satisfaction alongside them. I would get drunk and go to their crazy themed parties. There was one party that was an underwear party and everyone came in their undies.

            I met a girl there. At this time, I was claiming to only be attracted to men. We bonded over a love of Degrassi, a Canadian teen drama from the early 00’s. I told her it would be a funny prank if she became my girlfriend on April Fool’s Day. Then I never took the relationship status off my Facebook. We fake dated for about a month. A MONTH. That’s how long it took me to assert myself and tell this girl that I wasn’t actually attracted to her. I can’t fully understand her intentions, but I don’t think it was ever a joke to her.