Momentary Bliss

I look at so many of my friends and those I love dearly. We all are wandering this world in absolute confusion and isolation. We are searching for satisfaction. Most of us find it in a momentary bliss; a highly passionate, sex-driven relationship, alcohol, drugs, thrill seeking, etc. We are all just searching for something to take away the pain and isolation we constantly feel.

            That’s exactly where I was at the end of my junior year of college. I was lost, lonely, and confused. I was searching for anything to take away my pain and isolation. I had pushed away my Christian friends in favor of my new life. I had begun to isolate myself from my family.

            I was 21 years old and I thought my mother was an over bearing bitch. I was living a double life with my family. When I was on-campus, I was living my life as another person, a man named Conor. I would drive home to see my family and change clothes in a gas station bathroom about 30 minutes from their house. I put myself into this isolation and I wanted out of it.

            So I began attending an LGBT group on-campus. Through there, I found new friends and people who supported my life. I didn’t realize those people were just as lost and confused as me only receiving momentary satisfaction. I started receiving momentary satisfaction alongside them. I would get drunk and go to their crazy themed parties. There was one party that was an underwear party and everyone came in their undies.

            I met a girl there. At this time, I was claiming to only be attracted to men. We bonded over a love of Degrassi, a Canadian teen drama from the early 00’s. I told her it would be a funny prank if she became my girlfriend on April Fool’s Day. Then I never took the relationship status off my Facebook. We fake dated for about a month. A MONTH. That’s how long it took me to assert myself and tell this girl that I wasn’t actually attracted to her. I can’t fully understand her intentions, but I don’t think it was ever a joke to her.

I'll give thanks to my God cont.

I remember seeking counseling during this time. My pastor set me up with a Christian counselor. I explained myself and my situation. He viewed gender as binary and men and women as fulfilling traditional roles. He gave me his opinion said he knew very little about transgender identity. He said if I was looking for someone to support my opinion, I should try a different counselor. I chose to not have my opinions challenged. So I sought a counselor through the school’s Graduate school program.

            Sam and her girlfriend, Vanessa, would continue to support my gender identity. They never specifically criticized my Christian beliefs, but I knew they had strong opinions against Christians, especially Vanessa. V also encouraged my male identity and we called ourselves ‘bros’. They encouraged me to attend a transgender support group.

            The support group met in Indianapolis, about an hour away from my college. The whole drive I was nervous my car would break down and my parents would ask why I was driving to Indy. My car made it just fine, and it was there that lead me onto this path that would shape the next six years of my life.

            I enjoyed my first meeting. I introduced myself as Conor. This was the first time I ever met other transgender people. The room was filled with such a variety of people. There was Sam, a female to male who waited until his parents died to come out as transgender. There was a couple other female to male college students. There was one who was also a writer and artist who had a close hometown to my own. There was my personal favorite, Mitchell. He was so laid back about his transition. He came out when he was 25 and was now in his late 30’s. He was my personal mentor. I looked to him to answer most of my questions.

            The group met once a month and I went to every meeting. I eventually became involved in their advocacy group. With that, I would sit on speaker panels and discuss my gender to various groups, mostly college sexuality courses.

            During this time, I was starting to have a fallout with Sam and Vanessa. I would vent about frustrations I had with one of them to the other. They would then tell each other. They would confront me with it, and I couldn’t handle the confrontation. They were also going through their own break-up so our group just fell apart.

            I became rather lonely after my fall out with my friends. They were my main source of friendship and social life. I had left my community of the church to explore my gender identity with more supportive people.

            My whole life I have struggled with facing confrontation. I often became close with friends then when we had conflict, I would just shut down and not resolve the conflict. This is what happened with Sam and Vanessa.

            I remember when we had our awkward exchange of random items we had of each other’s. We set a time, but I was so nervous that I arrived to their house early. So I kept driving to a nearby park. I decided to go swinging on the swing set while I waited.

            Less than a year before that moment, I attended a church picnic at that same park. I reflected on how I rolled down a hill in the complete innocence and bliss of a child. I was surrounded by such a welcoming group of kind-hearted people. But this time, I sat alone on a swing, my hands on the cold, dirty chain. I was depressed and lonely. I sat there in solitude hoping, but not praying, that Sam and Vanessa would give me some kind of indication that they wanted to rekindle our friendship.

            I knocked on their door, anxiously awaiting the answer. Vanessa answered and we exchanged my Crock Pot for their items. There was no welcome nature. No indication they missed me. So I went home and poured myself a drink while I played Guitar Hero.