Momentary Bilss cont.

            After that, I met another girl through a mutual friend. I’m sitting here straining my brain trying to remember how we met, and I just can’t quite remember. At that time, I still didn’t think I was attracted to women. This girl hurt me, conflicted me, confused me, and I couldn’t get enough of her. I knew she was emotionally unstable and bounced quickly in and out of relationships. Of course, I thought I was the exception. It didn’t help that she told me our song was “The Only Exception” by Paramore. I fell for her hard. She would lead me on then disappear. I would come back every time.

            She came to my apartment to tell she joined the army. We talked on my porch about how this would affect “us”. I was hurt that she would make such a drastic decision without consulting me. We eventually ended the conversation with our first kiss. All of our back and forth and sexual tension lead to this moment, and she tasted like stale cigarettes followed by a disappearance.

            She finally reconnected with me and told she had gotten married to a man. I was so confused and hurt. It was just a few weeks ago we were making out and discussing “us”. I thought we had something. I thought I was the exception. I thought she was a lesbian. She told me it was just so she could cover up her homosexuality and not get discharged from the army. I asked, “So it’s not physical at all?” She said it still was physical. I was done at this point. I was done with the back and forth.

            I didn’t talk to her for a long time after that. She mailed me letters from boot camp. I never responded. Eventually, she called to tell me she was honorably discharged from the army. When she returned, she admitted to being dishonorably discharged for a psychotic disorder.

I spent most of my adult life trying to find validation and identity in the ideals of others. I wanted so desperately to feel loved, no matter how toxic the relationship. I was searching for a satisfaction that could not be fulfilled, but I kept trying to find that bliss in the validation of others. There’s so many faults in this. My biggest fault is that I fall for broken people. I see their potential and fall for that instead of who they are. But I was never a strong enough person not to lose myself in them.

I’m not ready to write the next part of my story, and I’m not sure I ever will be ready. I spent the last two and a half years trying to overcome and forget you. The truth is you’re the largest and most deceitful part of my story. I can start with the rehearsed story you told people about how we met.

I appeared on a speaker panel for the LGBT group on-campus. I had been identifying as transgender for about six months and had already fully thrusted myself into its lifestyle. She instantly saw me and whispered to her friend, “He’s cute.” Her friend responded, “I think I went to high school with him.” I then go on to describe my attraction to men despite being born female and self-identifying as male. She left the meeting with disappointment.

Months go by including a summer living on the empty campus. I was eager for my friends to return from their homes, and decided to throw a party with my friend. I had rekindled my friendship with Vanessa over the course of the summer. Sam had graduated and moved back home. Vanessa and I remained on-campus that summer. We were throwing the party together at her apartment. Unknowingly, she invited her. My summer was spent with conflicting ideas about my sexual identity. I spent the summer hung up on a girl who went off with a real man.

The theme of the party was “My Life is Bro”. Vanessa and I liked to pretend we were heartless douchebags only interested in hooking up. I had never had sex so that couldn’t have been further from the truth. For our party, guests had to dress like stereotypical frat guys. If someone dressed life a woman, they had to stay in the kitchen all night making sandwiches. I proceeded to play beer pong and do all those regrettable things done at college parties.

I was standing in the parking lot, drink in hand, and rambling about the conflict of my sexual identity. I look around to my friends and say, “I think if I just made out with a girl I would know.” She was standing in the parking lot and says, “I’ll make out with you” then grabs my face. I got that tingling feeling in my stomach that is described in every romantic movie. I pull away and look to my friend, “Yep, I like girls.” I drove her back to my place that night to begin the next four years of my life.

Momentary Bliss

I look at so many of my friends and those I love dearly. We all are wandering this world in absolute confusion and isolation. We are searching for satisfaction. Most of us find it in a momentary bliss; a highly passionate, sex-driven relationship, alcohol, drugs, thrill seeking, etc. We are all just searching for something to take away the pain and isolation we constantly feel.

            That’s exactly where I was at the end of my junior year of college. I was lost, lonely, and confused. I was searching for anything to take away my pain and isolation. I had pushed away my Christian friends in favor of my new life. I had begun to isolate myself from my family.

            I was 21 years old and I thought my mother was an over bearing bitch. I was living a double life with my family. When I was on-campus, I was living my life as another person, a man named Conor. I would drive home to see my family and change clothes in a gas station bathroom about 30 minutes from their house. I put myself into this isolation and I wanted out of it.

            So I began attending an LGBT group on-campus. Through there, I found new friends and people who supported my life. I didn’t realize those people were just as lost and confused as me only receiving momentary satisfaction. I started receiving momentary satisfaction alongside them. I would get drunk and go to their crazy themed parties. There was one party that was an underwear party and everyone came in their undies.

            I met a girl there. At this time, I was claiming to only be attracted to men. We bonded over a love of Degrassi, a Canadian teen drama from the early 00’s. I told her it would be a funny prank if she became my girlfriend on April Fool’s Day. Then I never took the relationship status off my Facebook. We fake dated for about a month. A MONTH. That’s how long it took me to assert myself and tell this girl that I wasn’t actually attracted to her. I can’t fully understand her intentions, but I don’t think it was ever a joke to her.

I'll give thanks to my God cont.

I remember seeking counseling during this time. My pastor set me up with a Christian counselor. I explained myself and my situation. He viewed gender as binary and men and women as fulfilling traditional roles. He gave me his opinion said he knew very little about transgender identity. He said if I was looking for someone to support my opinion, I should try a different counselor. I chose to not have my opinions challenged. So I sought a counselor through the school’s Graduate school program.

            Sam and her girlfriend, Vanessa, would continue to support my gender identity. They never specifically criticized my Christian beliefs, but I knew they had strong opinions against Christians, especially Vanessa. V also encouraged my male identity and we called ourselves ‘bros’. They encouraged me to attend a transgender support group.

            The support group met in Indianapolis, about an hour away from my college. The whole drive I was nervous my car would break down and my parents would ask why I was driving to Indy. My car made it just fine, and it was there that lead me onto this path that would shape the next six years of my life.

            I enjoyed my first meeting. I introduced myself as Conor. This was the first time I ever met other transgender people. The room was filled with such a variety of people. There was Sam, a female to male who waited until his parents died to come out as transgender. There was a couple other female to male college students. There was one who was also a writer and artist who had a close hometown to my own. There was my personal favorite, Mitchell. He was so laid back about his transition. He came out when he was 25 and was now in his late 30’s. He was my personal mentor. I looked to him to answer most of my questions.

            The group met once a month and I went to every meeting. I eventually became involved in their advocacy group. With that, I would sit on speaker panels and discuss my gender to various groups, mostly college sexuality courses.

            During this time, I was starting to have a fallout with Sam and Vanessa. I would vent about frustrations I had with one of them to the other. They would then tell each other. They would confront me with it, and I couldn’t handle the confrontation. They were also going through their own break-up so our group just fell apart.

            I became rather lonely after my fall out with my friends. They were my main source of friendship and social life. I had left my community of the church to explore my gender identity with more supportive people.

            My whole life I have struggled with facing confrontation. I often became close with friends then when we had conflict, I would just shut down and not resolve the conflict. This is what happened with Sam and Vanessa.

            I remember when we had our awkward exchange of random items we had of each other’s. We set a time, but I was so nervous that I arrived to their house early. So I kept driving to a nearby park. I decided to go swinging on the swing set while I waited.

            Less than a year before that moment, I attended a church picnic at that same park. I reflected on how I rolled down a hill in the complete innocence and bliss of a child. I was surrounded by such a welcoming group of kind-hearted people. But this time, I sat alone on a swing, my hands on the cold, dirty chain. I was depressed and lonely. I sat there in solitude hoping, but not praying, that Sam and Vanessa would give me some kind of indication that they wanted to rekindle our friendship.

            I knocked on their door, anxiously awaiting the answer. Vanessa answered and we exchanged my Crock Pot for their items. There was no welcome nature. No indication they missed me. So I went home and poured myself a drink while I played Guitar Hero.

I'll give thanks to my God 'cause I know where I've been

“This changes everything I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. It’s going to take a lot of work to undo six years of a mindset. This whole time I’ve always had doubt and felt the need to convince myself

Is anyone ever really gay? Can God actually convert all of that?”

I never thought that one day I would even consider God could cure homosexuality or gender incongruence. I spent at least ten years of my life trying to figure out why I’m unlike other girls. Then I spent about seven years of my life convincing myself I despised my body and anything feminine.

            I had a fairly liberal upbringing. I cannot recall my parents scoffing when I played with Hot Wheels or dirt or attempting to play basketball. My family never imposed pre-conceived gender roles onto me. I was free to engage in any activity I enjoyed. I went off to college not feeling the need to have a husband or carry his babies. I wanted to be so much more than a housewife.

            My freshmen year of college, I looked around at all the other young women in my class and began to feel different from them. When I was in seventh grade, I wore a basketball jersey to the school dance. My dad questioned it, but didn’t stop me. For most of junior high school, I felt more comfortable in men’s clothing. Then one day, my mom insisted I stopped wearing men’s clothes and told me I needed to dress “normal.” So we went shopping and I wore the clothes.

            Around my sophomore year of high school, I tried to put a label to my difference. I remember thinking, “I guess I’m a lesbian” then deciding what girls I liked. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t it.

            The next part of this story, I’ve rehearsed and said aloud about a hundred times. The end of my freshmen year of college, I was enrolled in a class that served as a prerequisite to become a residential assistant. The class taught the basics of counseling and diversity. In this class, I first learned about transgender people. The rest of the class was baffled and confused. I left class that day feeling relieved and understood. There was other people who felt the same way as me.

            About a year later, I began to research transgender and gender identity. It was a label I decided to apply to myself. At the time, I was heavily involved in a church on-campus. My closest friends were all Christian. We met weekly for bible study and I went with my friend, Stephanie. I decided to come out to her after group one night.

            We got in my car to talk. I was so incredibly nervous that I almost hit her car pulling out of my parking spot. I told her I thought I might be transgender. She didn’t understand what that meant. She thought I was telling her I was born with male and female parts. So I explained how I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. I don’t fully remember her reaction, but she thought it was equally as sinful as homosexuality. She then told our pastor.

            I sat down and had a conversation with my pastor and a member of the church. She shared how she thought she was a lesbian and once lived that lifestyle. She then claimed God changed her life and she was happily married. I remember thinking that was some bullshit. I never believed homosexuality was sinful or a choice. I left that meeting with the attitude and belief that I could somehow live both lives simultaneously. I thought I could be a transgender Christian.

            I then began to explore my LGBT life more. I was currently a Creative Writing major. In my linguistics class, I did a project with a girl I thought was super cool and unique. Her name was Sam. I later ran into her at Goodwill where I worked. I helped her get a job there.

            After getting to know her, I realized she was a lesbian. She had a girlfriend and they had been together since middle school. I attempted to be friends with them while still attending church. My life began to sway closer to theirs. They supported my gender identity, but not my Christian beliefs. My church community was being pushed out by my LGBT life.