“This changes everything I can’t keep doing what I’m
doing. It’s going to take a lot of work to undo six years of a mindset. This
whole time I’ve always had doubt and felt the need to convince myself
Is anyone ever really gay? Can God actually convert all of
that?”
I never
thought that one day I would even consider God could cure homosexuality or
gender incongruence. I spent at least ten years of my life trying to figure out
why I’m unlike other girls. Then I spent about seven years of my life
convincing myself I despised my body and anything feminine.
I had a fairly liberal upbringing. I
cannot recall my parents scoffing when I played with Hot Wheels or dirt or
attempting to play basketball. My family never imposed pre-conceived gender
roles onto me. I was free to engage in any activity I enjoyed. I went off to
college not feeling the need to have a husband or carry his babies. I wanted to
be so much more than a housewife.
My freshmen year of college, I
looked around at all the other young women in my class and began to feel
different from them. When I was in seventh grade, I wore a basketball jersey to
the school dance. My dad questioned it, but didn’t stop me. For most of junior
high school, I felt more comfortable in men’s clothing. Then one day, my mom
insisted I stopped wearing men’s clothes and told me I needed to dress
“normal.” So we went shopping and I wore the clothes.
Around my sophomore year of high
school, I tried to put a label to my difference. I remember thinking, “I guess
I’m a lesbian” then deciding what girls I liked. It didn’t take me long to
realize that wasn’t it.
The next part of this story, I’ve
rehearsed and said aloud about a hundred times. The end of my freshmen year of
college, I was enrolled in a class that served as a prerequisite to become a
residential assistant. The class taught the basics of counseling and diversity.
In this class, I first learned about transgender people. The rest of the class
was baffled and confused. I left class that day feeling relieved and
understood. There was other people who felt the same way as me.
About a year later, I began to
research transgender and gender identity. It was a label I decided to apply to
myself. At the time, I was heavily involved in a church on-campus. My closest
friends were all Christian. We met weekly for bible study and I went with my
friend, Stephanie. I decided to come out to her after group one night.
We got in my car to talk. I was so
incredibly nervous that I almost hit her car pulling out of my parking spot. I
told her I thought I might be transgender. She didn’t understand what that
meant. She thought I was telling her I was born with male and female parts. So
I explained how I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. I don’t fully
remember her reaction, but she thought it was equally as sinful as
homosexuality. She then told our pastor.
I sat down and had a conversation
with my pastor and a member of the church. She shared how she thought she was a
lesbian and once lived that lifestyle. She then claimed God changed her life
and she was happily married. I remember thinking that was some bullshit. I
never believed homosexuality was sinful or a choice. I left that meeting with
the attitude and belief that I could somehow live both lives simultaneously. I
thought I could be a transgender Christian.
I then began to explore my LGBT life
more. I was currently a Creative Writing major. In my linguistics class, I did
a project with a girl I thought was super cool and unique. Her name was Sam. I later ran into her at Goodwill where I worked. I helped her get a
job there.
After getting to know her, I
realized she was a lesbian. She had a girlfriend and they had been together
since middle school. I attempted to be friends with them while still attending
church. My life began to sway closer to theirs. They supported my gender
identity, but not my Christian beliefs. My church community was being pushed out by my
LGBT life.
